Best funny quotes and moments of season 21/22

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miraculous recovery

“In the ambulance, I said to the carers: ‘Keep my boots, I won’t need them anymore’.”
Christian Eriksen during his conversation with the paramedics who treated him at Euro 2020. And then he made his return with Brentford in February this year. Magic.

Get lost

A banner was left outside a house on the Wirral in June warning Rafael Benítez to become Everton manager. “We know where you live. Don’t sign,” it reads. The problem? It was the wrong house.

Slog on the Tyne

“It was very, very difficult – never being wanted, feeling like people wanted me to fail, saying I was useless, a big waste of space, a tactically inept head of cabbage.”
Other than that, Steve Bruce loved his time at Newcastle.

sorry not sorry

“We would like to apologize to Mr. David Goodwillie…in error we reported that he was found to be a racist in a civil case in 2017…in fact Goodwillie was found to be a rapist in this case.”
Sky Sports News with an apology for the ages.

Average tweets

It’s been a difficult season for Sheffield United striker Oli McBurnie, who has scored just one goal in 30 appearances. To add to his woes, his house was broken into, his eight designer watches, including a Rolex, were stolen. How friendly was Twitter? “Do you buy a new Rolex for every goal you score?” Not a lot.

A mistake of identity

“We met on Zoom and he seemed incredibly engaged, compassionate and charming.”
Then UK Education Secretary Gavin Williamson in his online ‘meeting’ with Marcus Rashford… except it was England rugby player Maro Itoje. Oh Lord.

To be honest

“We don’t know what to do with the ball.
David de Gea points to a potential cause of Manchester United’s terrible season.

Soapbox

“Reminds me a bit of when EastEnders went from two episodes a week to three in the 90s – absolutely killed.”
Kenny Cunningham with a majestic analogy to describe his thoughts on the prospects of a biennial World Cup.

The longest goodbye

“It’s 10 years too late.
Neil Warnock bidding a fond farewell to umpire Mike Dean upon learning he was retiring at the end of the season.

A word of advice

“He needs to add goals to his tank.”
Paul Ince leaving Scott McTominay severely confused.

NUMBER: 770

This is the number of millions of euros that Kylian Mbappé will – it seems – earn per week at PSG over the next three years after signing his new contract. Loose.

A big name

Jeff Stelling: “Carney Chibueze Chukwuemeka makes his Premier League debut today for Aston Villa.”
Paul Merson: “Does he have a nickname?
Stelling: “Who?”
Merson: “The boy with all the letters.”

OH MY GOD

“You have to give Man City some respect, otherwise it will be a Holocaust and you don’t want that.”
Certainly not, Carlton Cole. Apologies followed quickly.

blouse shirts

“I wouldn’t even use it to do the dishes in my bungalow.”
Peter Shilton on the jersey worn by Diego Maradona in the ‘Hand of God’ game which was sold for just 8.4 million euros.

Meow

“CAT LIVES MATTER.”
The banner flew over Anfield where a certain Kurt Zouma was in action for West Ham

training target

“40°50’N14°15’E.”
The banner left by the Verona ultras outside Naples soil which provided the Russian Air Force with the coordinates of the city of Naples. No seriously.

Red flag

“I guess they probably tried to approach him, but he was like, ‘no, I want to win trophies’.”
Roy Keane explains why Antonio Rüdiger might have refused to move to Manchester United.

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